This is a relatively common scenario in a number of relationships. Sometimes external forces urge you to stray from the relationship, however in some cases it is actually your partner who may have or develop feelings for someone else. This article will explore both scenarios and provide guidance on how to best deal with the situation should you encounter it.
In a Long Term Relationship But Have Feelings for Someone Else
How To Overcome The Situation
If the feelings are mutual between both partners then you need to sit down and talk about it. It’s important that you approach this situation with an open mind and try not to be confrontational as this can cause irreparable damage to your relationship. Discussing what each of you want out of a relationship, if it is just sex or a more serious relationship, are you both willing to try and make it work?
If one of you is not interested in exploring the possibility of dating the other person or becoming part of a polyamorous relationship then there’s little point continuing with this discussion. If on the other hand you are willing to explore the situation then things can be much more positive.
You’ll first need to establish some ground rules for what is and isn’t acceptable. For example, are you okay with them having casual sex together or would you want it to be an exclusive relationship? You can apply this reasoning to your own situation as well. How do you feel about the idea of being intimate with another woman?
Things You Should When Have Feelings For Someone Else Whilw In A Relationship
Acknowledge the feeling
First of all, you need to find out if you actually have feelings for someone else. Our thoughts and feelings are often in conflict with each other. We want what we think is best for us but our heart may be having a completely different thought. We can’t rely on our mind to tell us if we really love someone because the truth is our mind can’t differentiate love from infatuation. So, here’s what you do:
Go on a social networking site and find the person who has caught your attention. Write down all the feeling you have for this person. Are they obsessive? What can you not stop thinking about them? How often do these thoughts cross your mind every day? How do you feel when they don’t reply to your messages or chats immediately? Do you feel like they are taking something away from you or that you deserve more than what you’re getting from them?
Do the same process with the person whom you think is/are your “actual” love interest(s). Write down how many times a day do these thoughts cross your mind? If you find yourself thinking about this person often and it’s making you happy, then maybe you do have feelings for them. But if it’s their picture or profile that makes you feel like this, then it’s easily categorized as infatuation.
Limit it to be a fantasy.
Some of us tend to fantasize about the other person because it’s easier to control our thoughts this way. This is also a form of escapism, that dirty little habit you have where you just want to enjoy the moment without thinking of any consequences. We are all guilty of fantasizing but do realize when it has turned into an ongoing process. When you find yourself thinking about the other person more than twice a day, at least for 5 minutes each time, it’s already an addiction and part of your life which can’t be ignored.
Get rid of their contact details. Block them on the social networking sites if necessary. Avoid locations where they hangout and cut off any form of communication with them. The more you stay away from these “trigger” points, the less likely you are to think about them.
If it’s too late and you’ve already fantasized one or more times about this person, then that’s okay! You can still do something about it. Keep your feelings inside you and don’t act upon it. It’s better if you tell yourself that your feelings are nothing but infatuation or that this person is not actually for you. But do keep in mind, having feelings for someone else while you’re already in a relationship doesn’t mean you should act upon these feelings because chances are, it won’t work out and will eventually lead to a breakup. But if you have been doubting your relationship for a long time and really want to get out of this “comfortable” relationship then, by all means, go ahead and do something about it!
Give it ample time.
This is the hardest part because it requires you patience. You can’t expect to get over someone or something in just a week or two. Sure, there are some exceptions like when one party has died of course, but usually these types of things take time and effort which you need to put if want things to work out for your favor.
Sometimes it takes months, sometimes years. The time varies from person to person and there is no set timeline for this kind of things. You can’t pressure yourself into getting over someone or something by a certain date because that’s not going to do any good. All you have to do is give yourself ample time and space away from the conflict until you feel you are ready to start something new.
Distance yourself from the person.
This is the easiest way to get over someone or something. In most cases, people would just “break-up” with whomever they have feelings for because it’s easier that way. Sure, you might feel some sort of relief afterwards but how long can you keep on doing this? It’s not healthy for your emotional and mental state.
If you can’t handle this for whatever reason, then the best way is to just keep your distance. This means no more social media sites, block them on your phone or delete their contact details if necessary. The less time you spend with someone who is a “trigger” point for you, the better it is since all you will be thinking about is them.
Talk to someone about it.
Of course, if you’re feeling depressed or just simply overwhelmed about this whole situation, then it’s best to talk to someone. If you’re too ashamed of yourself for being in a relationship with someone while having these kinds of feelings for another person, then it’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to share with anyone. But keep in mind, these feelings of inadequacy will not go away unless you share it to someone. If you can’t share this with your significant other yet, then the next best thing is to talk to a relative or close friend of yours.
It’s better if you tell someone who has also gone through something like this before because if you’re talking with someone who hasn’t experienced this before, they might not know how to best advise you.
Redirect the energy into your relationship.
This is the method most people would suggest and it does work. You can’t just ignore your feelings or pretend they don’t exist because sooner or later, they will resurface again and probably even stronger than before. The best way to redirect these strong emotions into something else is by channeling them into your relationship with someone.
If you and your partner understand each other and share mutual understanding and respect, then you might be able to try this. This will take a lot of effort from both sides so it’s best if you do this during times when neither one of you is stressed or busy.
Avoid idealizing the person.
This might seem like common sense advice but you’d be surprised how many people don’t realize this. It’s very easy for someone to fall into the trap of idealizing another person especially if they are not sure how they feel about them yet. If you’re trying to get over someone, stop seeing them in the best light possible because sooner or later, you’ll start seeing them for who they really are.
And do not go looking up things about this person online either because all you will get is more feelings of inadequacy and shouldn’t be doing that to yourself anyway. You don’t want to view someone as perfect if in reality, they are not so idealizing the person only makes things worse.
Get a new hobby.
Whether you’re a musician, an artist or just someone who is interested in the arts, this is a great way to channel your emotions. Make sure your new hobby actually pertains to what you feel and if you have been wanting to try something new for a while now, then give it a shot. You will be surprised how effective this method is especially if you’re just starting. You can dedicate all of your effort into this and that way, it will help you forget about the other person and eventually, move on from them.
Resolve the issues plaguing your relationship.
This might seem like an obvious thing to do but it’s surprising how many people tend to brush things off when they feel like something is not right. You can save yourself a lot of trouble in the long run if you confront these issues now instead of ignoring them and making everything worse down the road. If you have been holding back on saying what you feel because of the fear that it might affect your relationship, then let go of it and just say what’s on your mind.
This way, you create a clean slate and if this is something you can work with, then there’s nothing wrong with doing so. If however, the only thing keeping you together is the fact that neither one of you wants to hurt the other, then it’s time to let go.
Seek professional help.
If you find that none of these methods are working for you, then it might be time to seek professional help. If you feel like you can’t cope with your feelings anymore and would like some help in getting yourself together especially if they are affecting your mental state (like depression), then go see someone. It’s best to start this early as well because once you experience a mental breakdown, it will be that much harder to get yourself back together again.
Do not feel embarrassed about going to see someone because there’s nothing wrong with doing this especially if it means you can put your mind at ease and move on from the other person for good.
FAQs About Have Feelings for Someone Else While In A Relationship
Q: What if talking about your feelings actually makes everything worse?
A: It might be a good idea to talk to someone then and see if they can help you. Chances are that you’re scared of what will happen after letting all those pent up emotions out and this is normal but not something you should worry about. The therapist will see you through that and they know exactly how to help you work things out.
Q: I am hoping that the person I’m having feelings for already has a partner but what if they don’t?
A: If they are currently single, then there’s nothing wrong with pursuing them as long as they have given an indication that this might be something they are open to. If you already have a partner, then tell the person how you feel so that you can give yourself closure.
Q: I have feelings for someone I used to date but my new partner is actually good friends with my ex. What should I do?
A: Dedicate some time getting to know your new partner better and get to know this person you are feelings for more. If they are truly interested in pursuing something with you, then go ahead and give it a shot because this is what dating is all about—exploring new options.
Q: I am in a serious relationship but can’t get my ex out of my head. Is there still something there?
A: Most likely, there’s still something there and the best way to deal with this is to talk it over with your current partner. Tell them how you feel and what happened between you two in the past so that they can work it out together.
In a long term relationship but have feelings for someone else can be a tricky situation to deal with. However, there are ways you can work through it and come out of it even stronger than before if that’s what you want. If you keep waiting, things will only get more difficult and it’s best to take action as soon as you can.