The avoidant is a cluster B person, meaning they are impulsive, easily bored, preoccupied with themselves, manipulative of others’ feelings and views, etc. They are often self-centered individuals who put themselves before anyone else. Avoidants are not good partners to have in relationships due to their unstable nature and tendencies towards lying. If you’ve been with an avoidant before, you know how exhausting it can be. They are always hot and cold-loving one moment and seemingly uninterested the next. Their feelings come on strong when they decide to show them, but they quickly retreat if their partner does not respond immediately or is not available at the time of need. Avoidants love deeply even though they have a hard time loving themselves. They tend to be very passionate when in love and are big givers for a partner or a child. Surviving an avoidant is difficult but not impossible if you know what to expect from them and how to handle their erratic behavior.
How to Get an Avoidant to Chase You
1.Take a break from social media
Avoidants are big social media users, so take yourself off everything they can find you on. You will need to make yourself unavailable and let them wonder if you’re still single and available.
2.Act aloof and distant
Playing hard to get is a sure-fire way for avoidant personalities to chase you. When an avoidant does not know where they stand or how their partner feels, they become more interested in finding out your intentions towards them. You mustn’t engage with the avoidant too much. Keep your interactions short and sweet when not meeting up with them face-to-face, especially online. Avoidants want nothing more than attention from their partners, so give it only when necessary, such as when they need someone to talk to or seek advice.
3.Make yourself less available
When an avoidant is chasing you, they want your time and attention. This means that if necessary, stay late at work for a few days. Avoidants do not like to feel like their partner gives more than them or pulls away. If you make yourself unavailable for a short amount of time (a couple of hours), this will make avoidants want you more and show interest in finding out what’s going on with you and why you’ve been distant recently. When the avoidant becomes interested in figuring things out, he/she might come back around and pursue you again, leading to even stronger feelings for each other than before.
4.Don’t rush him/her along
Avoidants want all the attention and care from you, but they also need time to themselves. They will often find a way to take some space and time apart if their partner becomes too clingy or needy towards them. If avoidants feel that you’re too demanding of their time, they will be turned off by this and slowly pull away again. Don’t ask the obvious avoidant questions such as “are we together or what?” or “do I get to see you today?”. Avoiding asking these questions is ideal because it lets them think for themselves without needing your input in the matter. When the avoidant feels like he/she needs space, let him/her have it following behind, begging for their attention again. If you genuinely want an avoidant to chase you, this is what needs to be done – the less they see of you, the more they will miss you and enjoy your attention again.
5.Keep spending time with them
When Avoidants pursue someone or fall for them, they want to spend as much time together as possible. You can’t take yourself too available or too distant at once, so try to find a good balance between the two. Do most things together but give each other space when needed. You mustn’t let your partner become clingy towards you, which might turn him/her off from continuing his/her pursuit of affection with you. Spending quality one-on-one time with someone can help prevent avoidants from running away again.
6.Don’t initiate any affection yourself
Avoidants are perfectly capable of initiating physical contact themselves, but when their partner starts it, they might pull back in fear of being smothered. Avoidants are used to drawing boundaries with others and do not want to feel like someone is creeping up on them or trying to trap them into a relationship. Initiating affection too soon can be off-putting for avoidant personalities because perfectionists usually don’t handle messiness well. If you find that you’ve been the only one initiating physical contact, stop doing so for a while and let your partner decide how far he/she wants to take things between the two of you without any input from you.
7.Don’t be too eager about the future
Avoidants are not good at thinking about the future with someone else, nor do they like discussing significant life changes. If you’re too eager or too clingy, avoidants will feel suffocated and quickly distance themselves away again instead of getting into a relationship with someone needy. Be cautious of how often you discuss your future together with an avoidant because if things go south between the two of you, he/she might take these discussions to heart even though it wasn’t meant maliciously. Avoid having conversations about moving in together or wedding plans until the both of you have been dating for years.
8.Make him chase you by using the waiting game
Avoidants will not chase you if they already have you. They want to feel wanted by someone else and will lose interest if this feeling is not there. If an avoidant has been chasing you for a while, make him/her work hard for your affection by pulling back from time to time. Let the avoidant decide how much he/she wants to invest in the relationship before putting some effort into yourself. Avoidants don’t like doing all the work, and they’ll come back around sooner or later if they want you and think that they can’t live without you.
9.Keep things mysterious
Avoidants hate when things are too predictable because it’s uninteresting. They need change and variety in their life so keep things interesting by introducing new activities now and then. Avoidants want to remain calm and collected most of the time, so they don’t feel like you’re putting too much pressure on them or trying to start a fight between the two of you. If your partner is avoidant, they’ll appreciate it when things are not predictable and will likely become more invested in the relationship than ever before.
10.Stop Stalking Them
Avoidants want their personal space respected at all times so let them keep some boundaries rather than invading their privacy every second of the day. Letting an avoidant know where you are can suffocate him/her because they’re used to doing whatever they want without worrying about anyone else. Keep checking up on your partner once in a while but do not make it evident that you are doing so. Avoidants are well aware of when someone is trying to keep tabs on them and will become even more distant if this happens often.
11.Give your partner breathing room
Avoidants feel suffocated when others don’t respect their personal space. If your avoidant has told you that he/she needs his/her space, listen to him/her because s/he generally knows what’s best for themselves. Now, this doesn’t give you an excuse to bother your partner every second of the day. You have to have some boundaries in place here, or else you’ll find yourself being completely ignored by your partner most of the time, which is never good for a healthy relationship. Avoidants are independent people who want to do whatever they want without having to answer to anyone else, but this doesn’t mean that you can’t be together.
Avoidants love being complimented because it makes them feel better about themselves and happier around their partner. Never be fake with your compliments or else an avoidant will see right through you and immediately lose interest in the relationship because they want someone honest all the time. Not everyone is good at giving genuine compliments, so take some time to think of what you like about your partner’s appearance, personality traits, etc., before saying anything negative just for the sake of sparing his/her feelings.
13.Take care of your looks
Avoidants like when their partner takes care of his/her looks and makes him/herself look good for the relationship. An avoidant is mainly concerned with keeping up with appearances because this is what reels in the opposite sex and makes people feel attractive, so if you’re not taking care of your looks then you’re likely going to lose your partner soon.
14.Compliment your partner’s qualities
When complimenting an avoidant, focus on their positive traits rather than their negative ones, or else s/he’ll think that you’re trying to insult them. Avoidants are always worried about making a mistake, so they need to be reassured from time to time that they can relax a little bit and enjoy themselves more in life. Your
15.Know that patience is your greatest ally
Avoidants don’t want to be with someone needy and clingy all the time, so try your best not to bother them a lot, or else they’ll lose interest in you immediately. They want to take things slow and allow themselves time to adjust to a new relationship without being under pressure from either of their partners. If you have patience, and avoidant will find it easy to get closer to you because s/he won’t feel suffocated by your presence all the time.
16.Know that communication is key
Learn what keeps an avoidant happy and satisfied in life so that you can do those things whenever necessary. Both parties in a relationship need to understand each other’s needs; otherwise, there will be many misunderstandings and fights that could have been avoided if the right amount of effort was put into the relationship from both sides. It’s also important for avoidants to know how to communicate their needs effectively because other people won’t always understand what they’re trying to say and could end up misinterpreting something as negative when it wasn’t meant to be at all.
17.Be patient with them
If you want an avoidant to open up and let you in, then give them enough time to do so because rushing an avoidant never works. Avoidants like taking things slow because this gives them enough time to process everything in their head before doing anything rash or making any ridiculous decisions that they might regret later on in life.
18.Don’t be too clingy
Avoidants like to take things slow and at their own pace, so don’t attempt to rush them into something they’re not ready for yet because you’ll only scare them away and make them think that you’re way too needy and interested in them than they are in you. Avoidants also need some breathing room now and then, or else they start to suffocate under the pressure of having another person constantly demanding attention from them all the time.
19.Let your body speak for you
If your partner is an avoidant, it’s best to let your body do all of the talking for you whenever s/he starts pulling away from you. Physical intimacy is vital in every relationship because it reassures both partners that they are still attracted to each other despite any problems that may have arisen within the relationship recently. Avoidants get upset whenever their feelings get rejected by someone they’re interested in because human beings naturally want to be loved and appreciated for simply existing. So if you don’t make it obvious through physical touch that you still love them, then they’ll probably think that you no longer feel anything at all for them anymore.
20.Boost his ego
Avoidants are known to have fragile egos because they are not confident about themselves or their abilities in life. So whenever an avoidant starts acting up, it’s best to treat him like a child and tell them that you still love them without even making the slightest bit of effort to show that you care about what he has to say. Avoidants can never handle constructive criticism or any disapproval from other people, so it’s best for them if they only hear things that make them feel good instead of hearing something that could break their thinning self-esteem.
21.Be patient with your partner
Sometimes avoidants need time alone because s/he wants some space away from his/her significant other so that s/he can process everything that’s going on in his/her head. Avoidants are known to have overactive minds, so it’s best not to pressure them to do anything because their minds are already occupied with other trivial things they have no control over.
Attachment Theory and Attachment Styles
Avoidant attachment style
People who have an avoidant attachment style generally want to be self-sufficient and do not enjoy being around others all the time because they feel suffocated if they let too many people into their lives. They need a lot of space in a relationship to recharge their batteries and prepare themselves for anything that might happen in the future. People with this attachment style typically have difficulty opening up to partners because they don’t feel comfortable enough being vulnerable around other people.
Anxious attachment style
Anxiously attached individuals usually find it difficult to let go of relationships once s/he have gotten attached to someone else, even though the person is no longer interested in continuing things as it is. This can cause them to cling to their partner in an attempt to win his/her affection back because they believe that one day, their partner might change his/her mind about them. This style of attachment is usually common among people who tend to sabotage their relationships in the future because s/he cannot cope with the emotional pain that comes along with being rejected by someone whom s/he loves.
Ambivalent attachment style
People with ambivalent attachments are known for loving too much and caring too little for relationships. They tend to put their partners on a pedestal or idolize them because they want them to feel like royalty whenever they’re around. Ambivalent individuals usually think their actions towards others will push them away, but this couldn’t be further from the truth because love is all about putting someone else’s needs before your own.
Secure attachment style
People who have a secure attachment style are known for gaining intimacy from their partners without having to worry too much about their feelings getting hurt in the process. They allow people into their lives easier and don’t find it difficult trusting others with their secrets and deepest emotions without feeling anxious or scared of what might happen next after they’ve shared everything. People with this kind of attachment usually feel comfortable around others and can read them like an open book, so there isn’t any need to play games when they’re already aware of how the person feels about them. Research has shown that infants who receive undivided attention from their parents tend to develop a secure attachment style as they grow up. It helps them form a solid foundation for their relationship with people who aren’t related to them by blood.
Fearful-avoidant attachment style
People who have a fearful-avoidant attachment style usually find it difficult to maintain romantic relationships because they feel they’ll be rejected if s/he lets someone get too close to them emotionally. Although people with this type of attachment want intimacy and closeness from their partners, the feelings that come along with it end up pushing them away because they fear that their partner will leave as soon as they get to know the real them.
Why Won’t Avoidants Chase You?
If you have been trying to get your avoidant partner to open up and be more affectionate towards you, then you might have already noticed that this has been easier said than done. People with an avoidant attachment style usually prefer it if they can take care of themselves for the most part without needing to rely on other people’s assistance too much. They would rather be independent because they don’t enjoy sharing a close, personal connection with someone all the time. After all, it only makes them feel suffocated and trapped in a relationship that is slowly killing them from within each day.
What Can You Do?
Although there isn’t anything you can do to change your partner’s mind about things, there are specific ways that you can make him/her understand how much you care about him/her.
Stop trying so hard
Trying too hard to get someone’s attention or affection is a terrible idea because it only pushes them away from you even more. It seems like people with this kind of attachment style aren’t the type that wants to be chased after all the time because they’re pretty independent and can take care of themselves pretty well on their own without anyone’s help. For someone to love you, he/she should feel that s/he can do these things with your guidance now and then instead of feeling smothered by your overbearing persona all the time. If you notice that your efforts aren’t making a difference in the way your partner responds towards you, then you should stop putting so much effort into changing his/her mind and look for someone else. In the end, it is your life after all, and nobody can make you spend it with someone who doesn’t appreciate all of your efforts.
People with an avoidant attachment style usually take a while to open up, which means there isn’t a point in getting impatient because you will constantly be losing out on precious time that could have been spent doing other things instead. Some people tend to hurry the process of getting to know everything about their partners, but this is often a bad idea, especially if they don’t even know how they feel about each other yet. Trying too hard might backfire on you and scare your partner away instead because s/he only wants to feel comfortable in a relationship without having to worry about being judged or criticized by someone who’s supposed to love him/her.
Accept the fact that he/she isn’t going to change
Since avoidants have this thing about wanting to be independent most of the time, there isn’t any point in nagging them about something they’re not ready for just yet. It’s understandable if you want all of your partner’s attention right from the start. Still, they need time to warm up emotionally because these kinds of people don’t tend to deal with anything out of the ordinary very well at all. S/He will come around eventually when s/he feels ready to take that step forward with you, but the number one rule here is that you have to be patient at all times.
Try not to let it control your life
There’s a reason why people with avoidant attachment styles tend to put up a wall around them, and this is because they don’t want anyone to get too close for comfort. If anything, being alone might suit them better than having other people come into their lives because their past experiences have forced them to become who they are right now, and this means that s/he might not like opening up very much at all. This kind of person has probably built himself/herself an armor out of pure fear, which means that you’re going to have to be extra patient when it comes to getting through his/her hard exterior to get closer. It might take a while, but your efforts will be worth it in the end because there’s nothing quite like being loved by someone who cares about you and wants to see you happy all of the time.
Just love your avoidant. Love them for who they are, love their quirks, flaws, everything about them. Love them unconditionally, and don’t be selfish by expecting anything in return. Don’t try to change them because there is no point in wanting someone to change for you unless it’s something that the both of you can control. Be patient with them and love them wholeheartedly. You might have to compete with the rest of the world for their attention, but that’s okay because it’s a challenge you will be willing to accept. If they want you, they will come back eventually when they are ready. If not, let them go because sometimes this means they could be the right one.