Marriage is difficult enough without any outside interference. That’s why you concluded that only one sexual partner for life (excluding infidelity, of course) was the path you would take. You thought monogamy and your spouse were to be forever.
Bisexuality in a marriage can be just as devastating as cheating. It is even more devastating because many spouses fail to comprehend the bisexual’s need for both sexes in their lives. For most bisexuals, this desire isn’t something they chose; it was just how they were born. While some bisexuals may say otherwise, there are only two kinds of bisexuals: those who are satisfied with monogamous relationships and those who aren’t. The ones who aren’t will always be unsatisfied with a monogamous relationship because a bisexual needs the sexual/emotional interaction with both sexes to feel complete.
Who Are Bisexuals?
Bisexuals are those who love both men and women equally. They may not all be promiscuous, but bisexuals generally have a stronger attachment to their sexuality than heterosexuals or homosexuals do. And as with any person, bisexuality is more complex than it appears at first glance.
Some bisexuals will settle down with one partner that they love and be faithful to until the end of time.
For others, bisexuality is a phase that can be stomached for a few years (or maybe even months or weeks), but generally isn’t something that can last forever. For them, it’s just too much to ask for virginity/celibacy so late in life.
For others (and this is probably the largest and most vocal group), bisexuality and promiscuity go hand in hand. They cannot be satisfied with one partner; they need to feel sexual electricity with both sexes.
Reasons for Bisexuality
Sexual abuse is almost always the face of bisexuality
Many people who are raped or sexually abused in childhood become promiscuous as adults, especially bisexuals. They will crave that “sexual high” that comes with two genders because they never got it growing up. So, these adult survivors seek partners to recreate the thrill they had as children. For some, this is because they were forced into something that they didn’t want; for others, it was by choice (for instance, girls who give up their bodies to keep the love of their boyfriends).
Many bisexuals don’t remember being molested as children but find themselves attracted to both men and women anyways. It’s almost as if something inside them stimulates their need for both.
By the way, it is possible to be bisexual and never have been molested or raped in childhood. Many people happen to be born that way, and there’s nothing they can do about it. Our genetics mostly decide who we’re attracted to, so bisexuality can be a natural response to normal stimuli.
Experimenting with both genders
Some bisexuals are gays or lesbians who are experimenting to see what it’s like. The so-called “switch-hitting” is a real phenomenon among homosexual people who believe they can change their sexual preference simply by sleeping with both genders.
Some want to know how the other side lives. They may have had a bad breakup with their boyfriend or girlfriend and “want to know what it’s like” with the other gender before getting serious again.
This is why bisexuality can be a threat in marriages (for those who don’t understand). When your spouse sleeps around with others, they will always say that it doesn’t mean anything and that you won’t be displaced. They can say that it’s just a phase, an experiment. But in the end, they’ll always come back to you. But when your spouse falls in love with someone else and wants to leave you for them, then there’s no coming back from something like that.
Lack of parental guidance
Many problems in this world can be linked to poor parenting, but sometimes these problems can come out of the blue even when the parents did everything right. Some people wind up being confused about their sexuality because their parents didn’t teach them how to grow up. Without proper guidance, you don’t know whether it’s just a phase or something that will last forever.
Because bisexuality is such a hot-button topic, many parents don’t know how to approach the subject with their children. Though it’s not talked about much, there are still children out there who get no guidance and no way of dealing with these feelings (even though they may be natural feelings). So they end up going off half-cocked and ruining a marriage.
Peer rejection and pressure
It’s sad, but over the years, we’ve learned that peer pressure is a strong influence on children and teens, whether it be to stay in school or to do drugs. It doesn’t matter what it is; if all of their friends are doing something, then they’re going to want to do it too so as not to feel left out.
This is exactly what happens with bisexuals. The only people they know who will accept them as bi are their peers, who happen to be just as confused as they are. They don’t know what it’s like to be in a committed relationship, which is why they’re such a threat to the marriages of bisexuals. It’s not that bisexual is straight or gay, but that they want what everyone else wants: to be accepted by their peers and have a chance at happiness.
What Happens When You Discover that Your Spouse is Bisexual?
When you’re first told that your spouse is bisexual, then it’s pretty much like getting hit with a sledgehammer. You almost want to laugh because there was never any indication that something like that might happen in your marriage. All of this time, you thought they were attracted to just you, and now you feel betrayed for not having the “right” to know what they were hiding from you.
After that initial shock, then comes the anger and disbelief. You’ll be angry with yourself for not noticing anything, mad at them for hiding this huge secret (and probably hating yourself for judging their character wrongly). You may even feel like your sex life has been ruined, but it’s important to remember that this is why bisexuals are in marriages in the first place.
Dealing With Bisexuality in Marriage
Take a step back and relax
This is important. You don’t need to immediately jump into action or start making rash decisions because that’s exactly what your spouse wants you to do. They’re likely trying to “catch you off guard” before they make their escape, so take the time you need to come up with a plan for dealing with them.
Get yourself some support
Whether friends or family, you need to have people around you who understand what’s going on and who can give you the comfort you’re looking for right now. You don’t want to feel like anything is being kept from you, so make sure you tell your loved ones everything as well.
Talk to him/her directly
You don’t want to let your spouse know that you know just yet, but you need to have a calm and clear conversation where you tell them precisely what they’ve done. This is the only way they’ll understand how much hurt they caused, and it’s also a good idea so that you can see whether or not there’s any chance of salvaging your marriage.
Bisexual doesn’t mean cheating or lying
If you think that knowing your spouse is bisexual means that they’ll be sleeping around with men and women, then you have some adjusting to do. A person’s sexuality doesn’t change for whomever they happen to love at the moment. If they were attracted to you in the first place, then there was something different about you that made them want to be with you instead of someone else.
Bisexuality doesn’t always equal betrayal
As we’ve said before, bisexuals get married to have a chance at happiness and keep from being discriminated against. It’s the same reason that many gay people stay in the closet for as long as possible: they want to avoid any hate or persecution as much as they possibly can. People who are bisexual don’t go around trying to make people uncomfortable; they want friends and a love life like everyone else.
Open marriages do exist
Believe it or not, there are two bisexuals out there who love each other and don’t see anything wrong with showing it. Open marriages happen, and yes, they can be just as fulfilling as any other relationship. Just because you’re uncomfortable with the idea doesn’t mean that your spouse will cheat on you either.
It doesn’t make you any less worth marrying
If your spouse is bisexual, they were still smart enough to see that you’re a good person and that there’s something special about you. That means that you should be able to see the same in yourself because if they love you for who you are like they claimed, then they’re going to be worth all of the effort that you end up putting into your marriage.
How to Accept a Bisexual Spouse
Talk to each other
This isn’t something that you can sweep under the rug and hope it goes away. You’re going to have to talk about how you feel, what your concerns are, and why you think this may or may not be a problem in the future. The only way for either of you to understand is if there’s an open dialogue where each person can truly understand the other.
Don’t think that it means they’re promiscuous
Even though your spouse is bisexual doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to sleep with everyone in their vicinity. It’s likely someone who has been discriminated against for most of their life because of who they are, so when given a chance to feel like they’re accepted, they’re going to take it. Just because they’re bisexual doesn’t mean that they’re automatically out to destroy your marriage.
You don’t have to be perfect either
You might think that their sexuality means that you have to be perfect in every way imaginable, but the reality is that neither one of you are excellent, and if they love you, then that’s all that matters. You might want to get comfortable with the idea, but it doesn’t give you an excuse to go out and cheat on your spouse either.
It will be a journey for both of you
It takes time for anyone to get used to something new in their lives, so don’t expect yourself to be able to get over an entire sexual preference in the course of a few weeks. If you want your marriage to work, then give yourselves time and figure out how you can make this new aspect of their sexuality fit into your relationship. Don’t expect miracles to happen overnight because they won’t.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions
If you have a question about bisexuality or anything else, don’t be afraid to ask your spouse. They might not want to answer some of them at first because they might not know the answers themselves, but if you genuinely love each other, you should be able to face those questions as a united front instead of trying to figure out the answers alone.
Accepting your spouse as they are
It’s not easy for anyone to live with someone who has a sexuality that falls outside the boundaries of what we’re comfortable with or conditioned to think is normal, but you need to keep in mind that this is who they are, and it isn’t going away. Try to see them as they are, and if you can’t, then maybe it’s time to end the relationship before you end up resenting them.
You might be surprised by what you learn
For most of us, sexuality is very black and white, but that’s not always the case. Your spouse might surprise you with how open they are about their sexuality because even though they are bisexual, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have to tell everyone about it. If you’re interested in learning more, then open up the dialogue and give yourself a chance to understand what this means for your life together moving forward.
Talk to people with similar problems
There are tons of online communities where you can get advice from people who have had the same problems over the years, so don’t be afraid to reach out and try to understand what this means for your life together. It might not be easy, but you both can find a way forward together if you try.
Consult a therapist
No matter how good you are at communicating with each other, sometimes it’s best to have an unbiased third party help you sort things out. You don’t want this to be the end of your relationship so instead of fighting over your differences, let a therapist deal with all of these problems while you spend time together as a married couple.
It might take a few years for you to adjust to this new reality, but if it’s something that you both agreed to, then try your best not to let it tear your relationship apart. You don’t have to agree with their sexuality or understand how it works; all you need to do is try and make them happy. If you can do that, then you’ll have done your part, and everything else will fall into place. The road might be a little bumpy at times, but it’s not impossible to find a way forward together if you both try hard enough.
Don’t be afraid to let them date either
If they’re bisexual, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to go out and find someone new. That doesn’t mean that they don’t sometimes feel lonely or crave some time alone, so it’s okay if you let them date other people provided your marriage is not at stake here. It might take a little while to adjust to this new lifestyle, but it isn’t an impossible barrier to cross.
Remember that you love each other
This is the most crucial part of your relationship. You might not understand their sexuality or agree with it, but if you genuinely love them, then you’ll try to do everything in your power to make this work for everyone involved. It won’t be easy, and it might take years before both of you are comfortable with this new situation, but if you love each other, there’s nothing you can’t overcome as a couple.
Leave your children out of it
They need to focus on building a life together as a married couple, and you need to let them do that in their own time. You don’t have to approve of or understand what they’re going through; all you need to know is that your children still love both of you and would never willingly destroy a family unit. They might not say it, but they’re going to need you both as a unit to get through this tough time.
Every married couple will probably go through their fair share of challenges, but having a bisexual partner can complicate things. If you want to make this work, you must understand them while never imposing your views onto the relationship. If both partners are willing to work hard towards making this relationship successful, then their sexuality won’t be a problem down the line.