Grudges are a common occurrence in day-to-day life. Most of us will get upset with someone for something at one point or another, whether it’s an unexpected bill from a medical procedure, a friend who always borrows money and never pays you back, or your spouse forgetting to pay the bills again.
However, not all people are equally likely to hold onto these grudges, and it seems the difference is mainly due to personality. Some people are much more likely to hold onto a grudge, while others will let go of one in very little time. The question remains: what type of person is most likely to hold on to a grudge?
What Personality Type Holds Grudges
People with a personality type of ENFJ are focused on the needs of others above all else. Often seen as warm and friendly, these individuals have a strong sense of empathy for those they care about. They will go out of their way to make sure that those close to them are happy and content, even if it means neglecting themselves in the process.
This warm demeanor makes ENFJs caring and understanding people, but it can also be their biggest flaw. They often hold grudges against people who have betrayed or wronged them, allowing that anger to fester for years on end. They may avoid certain social situations altogether because they are afraid of seeing the person again.
People with this personality type are also likely to hold grudges against themselves. Like many people, they have an inner critic that constantly berates them for their perceived weaknesses, making them feel inadequate or worthless when they fail to live up to the impossible standards set by this voice. ENFJs will often blame themselves for things outside of their control, letting the anger they feel towards themselves turn into resentment for others.
ENFJs are likely to hold onto grudges against people who have wronged them and against themselves, and it will take quite a bit of effort on their part to let go. When it comes to people outside of this personality type, ENFJs may forgive others, but it will take a lot of time and effort. In the meantime, ENFJs are likely to avoid these people at all costs, sometimes inviting unhealthy consequences as a result.
ENTJs are often viewed as being strong-willed and confident in their opinions, which makes them a bit stubborn in the face of opposition. They will push forward in the direction they believe is right, regardless of what others say about it.
This can make ENTJs difficult people to get along with at times, making them excellent leaders. They can get things done, despite facing numerous obstacles along the way. They may even enjoy breaking down barriers if it helps get them closer to their goals.
However, this same stubbornness can hold ENTJs back in some cases. They may refuse to listen to others who have the insight they should consider because they believe they already have all the answers. This makes ENTJs unlikely to change their opinions on things, even if it means missing out on a better decision later on.
People with this personality type can often hold onto grudges for a long time, as with most stubborn people. They may also refuse help from those they feel have hurt them, wanting to prove that they can handle the situation on their own. However, in some cases, ENTJs may be willing to forgive others if it benefits their future goals or interests.
ESTJs are known for being efficient and loyal individuals who work hard to make sure everything runs smoothly. They take pride in knowing that those around them can rely on them for support, making them the first people others will turn to when they need help.
However, this sense of pride can become a weakness if taken too far. ESTJs may take it as a personal failure if something goes wrong under their watch, pushing forward until things are back on track to ensure that they are still reliable. This desire to be relied on can also drive ESTJs to grudge against people who have wronged them. They may avoid apologizing for their own mistakes for fear of being seen as unreliable.
People with this personality type are often stubborn in their belief that they know what is best, refusing to listen to others who have insight that they should consider. ESTJs can hold onto grudges against people, but this may also hurt their relationships with family and friends over time.
People with the ESTP personality type are often seen as thrill-seekers, enjoying the opportunity to push their limits and discover new things. They live in the moment and want to make sure they get the most out of life, even if it means taking a few risks along the way.
This adventurous nature can sometimes lead people with this personality type to make reckless decisions, forcing them to deal with the consequences later on. This can lead people with this personality type to hold onto grudges against those they feel have wronged them. They may not forget about what happened but will undoubtedly avoid these people if possible.
The desire for excitement can also cause ESTPs to put themselves into other risky situations or to avoid listening to the advice of others. ESTPs have a strong belief in themselves and their abilities, wanting to be known for handling anything that comes their way.
People with the INFJ personality type are complex, often remaining mysterious to others well into their lives. They possess incredibly high standards for themselves and believe in growth over time, taking on new challenges as they arise.
Their desire to refuse things that are below their standards can sometimes cause them to hold onto grudges against those who have wronged them. INFJs may push people away from what they feel has not treated them with the respect they deserve, refusing to allow others into their lives until they can be confident that things will be different.
This same desire for growth and improvement can cause INFJs to hold onto grudges against themselves if they fail to live up to their standards. They may blame themselves for wrong things and refuse to believe that they could have done anything differently. This can be a difficult situation for people with this personality type, as they will never let go of the past if they continue blaming themselves.
ISTJs are often seen as practical individuals who enjoy maintaining a sense of structure in their lives. They value traditions and take things seriously, believing that this is the only way to get the most out of life.
For people with this personality type, holding onto grudges can be all too easy. They may hold on to disappointments from the past, especially if they feel that they have been wronged in some way. This desire to hold onto the past can also cause ISTJs to avoid apologizing for making a mistake, believing that there was nothing else they could have done.
Sometimes this sense of tradition and stubbornness can be taken too far; however, people with this personality type refuse to change how they do things even when the situation calls for it. ISTJs may hold onto grudges against people who make requests of them, believing that others should respect how they operate and not ask them to do things differently.
ISFJs are often warm and considerate of those around them and are seen as cooperative with a desire to serve those they care about. They greatly value the relationships in their lives and try to maintain harmony at any cost.
To avoid conflict or hurting someone’s feelings, ISFJs may hold onto grudges that they feel they deserve. This desire to maintain harmony with others can lead people with this personality type to hold back when someone wrongs them, simply brushing the incident aside to continue living peacefully.
This desire for peace and harmony can also cause ISFJs to avoid apologizing for their mistakes, believing it is better not to bring up the past. They may hold on to guilt over their mistakes, not feeling comfortable until they have made up for something that has gone wrong.
INTJs are often seen as driven and focused individuals who enjoy delving deep into subjects that interest them. They desire to understand the world around them and possess strong problem-solving skills, using their knowledge to guide those around them.
People with this personality type can sometimes find it difficult to apologize for their mistakes, believing they should already know how to do things perfectly. They may hold onto grudges against those who have wronged them, refusing to forgive them for what they have done.
This stubbornness can also cause INTJs to feel as though it is useless apologizing for their mistakes, especially if they believe that they are being forced into doing it or being asked too often. INTJs may hold onto guilt for their errors, thinking that there is no use apologizing unless they are sure it will be accepted.
ESFJs are often seen as warm and empathetic people who enjoy helping others and maintaining harmony. They want to be helpful and will go out of their way to do so, sometimes putting the needs of others before their own.
This desire to maintain peace can cause ESFJs to hold onto grudges against those who have wronged them, feeling that they are not allowed to let go of the past. This can be especially true if people with this personality type have been wronged by someone they care about.
This desire for harmony may lead ESFJs to avoid apologizing for their mistakes, believing that their efforts should show how sorry they are and not needing to say the words. They may hold onto guilt and refuse to apologize for any wrongdoing, sometimes taking responsibility for things that were not their fault.
How to Deal with Grudge Holders
If you’re dealing with someone who holds grudges, it can be frustrating and annoying to try and win them over. Here are a few tips for working through this:
Don’t apologize or bring up the past: If you want to deal with a grudge holder, it’s important not to apologize unless you feel necessary. People with this personality type may see an apology as a sign that they can continue to take advantage of you or push you around, rather than simply acknowledging their mistake and moving on.
Don’t fight: People with this personality type aren’t likely to change their minds without a great deal of proof, so fighting them will only waste your time and energy. Trying to convince them that you are right can be a useless exercise, so save yourself the trouble.
Try to empathize: Even if you feel as though someone has wronged you or hurt you in some way, try to remember that they’re probably just doing it out of ignorance. It’s not about you; it’s about them. Sometimes just trying to figure out what makes them hold onto grudges so enormously can help diffuse the situation.
Those with the Grudge personality type can be difficult to deal with, but there are ways that you can work around their issues. You may find it easier to get along with Grudgers by trying not to apologize for things that aren’t your fault and avoiding conflict. And if all else fails, empathizing with them can help diffuse the situation.