The screaming match is one of the most common reasons for divorce, and it’s also poorly understood. It’s not like you can shout “how could you do this to me!” at your spouse and him/her say, “oh sorry, I will never do that again”. And yelling doesn’t work either, and if anything, it makes things worse.
In this article, I will tell you how you can stop yelling in a relationship. Sometimes yelling is appropriate. For example, yelling when somebody cuts you off on the highway and keeps speeding away is justified and expected behavior. But if your arguing leads to shouting and harsh words, here’s what you need:
Reasons for Yelling in a Relationship
We’ve all been there at some point. Your spouse is making you angry, and your fight escalates with him/her being more insistent with his/her opinion than you are with yours. You might be yelling by now as stress levels increase, which is a bad habit if uncontrolled. To stop yelling, it’s essential to notice when this happens.
In times of stress, people often forget to breathe from the diaphragm, which effectively slows down their heart rate and makes them feel calmer. When this happens, make a conscious effort to breathe from the diaphragm and don’t start shouting. If anything, try to speak in a lower tone as your anger wears off.
After you become angry, your brain sends signals to the rest of your body to prepare for a fight. Your muscles tighten, blood pressure increases, and breathing becomes shallow. If you are yelling at this point, chances are it won’t do much good. Instead, make an effort to focus on calming yourself down physically, even if this means taking a walk around the block (preferably in nature or with some fresh air).
Mental changes are the most important aspect involved with yelling. When you’re close to exchanging harsh words, stop and tell yourself nobody was born knowing this stuff. Your brain needs time to work through all the complicated thoughts that echo in your mind. And by taking a break, you allow it to happen.
Lack of purpose
Why are you yelling? Do you feel like your spouse is not listening to what you have to say? This is a common cause of shouting matches, and remember that it doesn’t do any good. If there’s something important going on, seek their cooperation instead of trying to force them with your voice. Your goal should be getting through to them, not appearing dominant.
If you’ve done all the above and still find yourself screaming at every fight you disagree with your spouse on; maybe it’s time to look in the mirror. People often try too hard to hear their point, which translates into aggressive behavior. Perhaps both of you need some space, or talking in a lower tone will help prevent the screaming match.
How to Stop Yelling in a Relationship
By staying calm, you allow yourself to reason and decide what’s more important, your feelings or the facts. When somebody provokes you (including everyone), it’s easy to get emotional fast. But if you take a deep breath and let things go for a moment, you might be able to come up with a solution.
Speak in a lower tone
If your spouse is the one raising his/her voice, speak in a calm but firm tone instead of matching him/her with anger. Yelling doesn’t solve anything. Instead, try to focus on what’s important to both of you instead of trying so hard to defend yourself. Show them you care about what they have to say by acknowledging it without yelling back at them. That’s the only way they’ll listen because when people get emotional, they tend to block out everything else around them.
Take a break
If you find yourself yelling too much and there’s no changing it, take a break. Go for a walk together, give each other some space or listen to your favorite music in another room. By being in the same place, you’ll have time to think about what got you so heated in the first place. Once alone, you might realize what wasn’t working out so well with whatever you were fighting about, which makes talking again easier when everyone has calmed down.
This one is tough if both of you are very opinionated people. Remember that nobody was born knowing how to argue maturely, so by practicing this together, you’re sure to improve at it one step at a time. Nobody wins when couples argue, yet everyone seems to keep doing it. If you stop, chances are your spouse will follow suit.
Show love, not dominance
This is the most important step in learning how to never yell at your spouse again. You’ll go through times when something really bothers or even angers you, but instead of trying to win the fight by forcing them with words, ask how they feel about it. There’s no winning an argument between spouses because there’s no positive outcome for either side. By asking for their opinion, you show how much you care about each other and that yelling isn’t necessary if both of you can be honest about what they think without trying to prove anything. That way, things get solved much faster, and nobody has to yell at anyone in the process.
Look at the possible options to deal with the situation
This does not mean either of you has to give up on your opinion. It might be easier for both of you to come up with a solution that works for you if you take a moment and look at what’s bothering each one, then try to find something that satisfies everyone without having to compromise too much. All couples fight, but those who value their relationship don’t yell as often as other couples do because they learned to overcome differences without resorting to force.
Talk about other things
Another way of stopping yourself from yelling is looking at the situation from a different perspective before going ahead and saying whatever it is that makes you so angry. Once together again, after taking some time apart, talk about something else instead. You might be able to see what’s bothering you more constructively when dealing with the situation at hand. By changing the topic, you’ll both get time to relax and think about other things, which makes looking at the situation again easier.
Communicate about everything that bothers you
If your spouse yells too much or does something that drives you crazy, talk about it with them. This shows them how important their opinion is to you, plus it helps them understand why certain things get on your nerves without needing either of you yelling. A common mistake couples make when fighting is thinking talking isn’t necessary because they already know what’s wrong, so screaming seems enough. But this leads nowhere in circles because nobody listens since both of you are just trying to prove yourself right, which causes the fights to never end. Communicating about anything that bothers either of you might be easier for each one to control themselves and not yell at their spouse.
Avoid yelling triggers
As with any kind of trigger, there’s always something that gets someone more heated up than usual. Maybe it’s a particular word or an action as little as banging the table while eating dinner, but those sorts of things will cause arguing if they’re done too often without anyone looking into what exactly is wrong about them. Before going ahead and fighting, try avoiding whatever makes your partner shout because chances are it won’t be worth this reaction, and yelling only escalates the situation more than needs be.
Recognize yourself in your spouse’s yelling
Taking a step back and looking at things from the other side might be precisely what is needed to realize why they are yelling at you, besides just being able to see it from another perspective. You both probably behave this way because of learning how to deal with problems instead of participating in arguments, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be a better way. If you recognize yourself in their anger, maybe you’re the one who has been wrong all along and not them – which means it’s time for a bit of reflection. Remember, every tactic was made up by someone else simply to calm down, so there should be something out there specially designed for those who need a reminder before going ahead and saying something you might regret later.
Use attention instead of yelling
Putting someone’s attention on the way they behave might be enough to stop them from yelling at you, but where do you find something that will make your spouse feel bad about themselves without being too obvious? It sounds complicated, but there are ways to make sure this happens. For example, you could call their name every time they interrupt or yell or try telling them how loud things are getting because it’s easier for us to hear someone who talks normally than those who shout constantly. If you’re calm and show them how much it bothers you without yelling, they’ll start doing the same because people want what others have, even if that means ignoring specific important facts.
Don’t just agree with everything they say
This is a mistake that often gets made – if you don’t want to yell anymore, you have to agree with everything the other person says because it means they’re right and you’re wrong. But no matter how hard you try, this won’t work, instead of leading to both of your mouths closing as neither of you wants to hear things from their perspective. Of course, nobody needs an ego check like this, but there has to be another solution aside from yelling or simply not talking at all. By agreeing with the other person every time they speak up, it makes them feel like whatever they do isn’t enough and something else would be better – which might only make them shout more often than usual.
Draw a line between your yelling and theirs
Even on the wildest days, making sure you don’t cross over to your spouse’s side might be enough to solve some problems. If they start shouting, this doesn’t mean it’s time for you to follow their example because one of you being loud won’t do anything well. While it can seem impossible not to shout back when someone else does, there are always differences in decibels that play a part in how frustrated people feel, so show them what volume is just right by staying calm instead of joining in. Remember, nobody has the same voice level as themselves, so there’s no way telling who was yelling first if both voices are considered equal.
Get support from others
If yelling wasn’t something new or your usual way of communicating, there’s always something that needs to change in the background, like how you were brought up. But most people who yell don’t even know they do it and won’t solve this problem independently without making others believe yelling is terrible for relationships. Even if everyone who knows them thinks they should stop yelling, this might not be enough unless you’re able to step back and look at what happens when someone starts shouting. Once you realize you’re probably overreacting because your spouse never gets mad when other people raise their voice, it’ll become easier to understand why they act the way they do when arguing with you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What do I need to know before yelling in a relationship?
You need to remember that your spouse isn’t the only one who gets angry, and this doesn’t mean they’re always right when you feel like everything they do is wrong.
What if yelling feels natural to me?
Even though it might take years of practice to learn how to yell whenever you want without feeling any shame, it’s never too late to start being someone else.
How can I stop my spouse from yelling in a relationship?
You have to show them what they do is wrong by staying calm when they raise their voices so they’ll think before speaking up again.
How can I avoid yelling in a relationship?
If you’re unsure why they keep shouting, it’s easy to understand things from their perspective, but this doesn’t mean this is the right thing to do.
What if I don’t want to yell anymore but my spouse keeps doing it?
While your opinions might be different from theirs, they’ll never listen to what you have to say if you don’t show them what’s right and wrong at the same time.
What is the best way to yell in a relationship?
Shouting will always be one of the ways of getting your point across, but there are more gentle approaches that might work better for you.
It’s not easy to say no to yelling because putting other people down is always more satisfying than letting them have their say. But if you want your spouse to stop being so noisy all the time, you should learn how to whisper, and this might do wonders when talking with them about anything you disagree with. All in all, we hope we convinced you that yelling doesn’t mean getting your point across, and it’s always better to exercise your voice by speaking up rather than screaming from time to time.