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This article includes questions that may be helpful if your spouse has had an affair and you are trying to determine what happened and how to move forward. This article is not meant to substitute for professional advice, and it is always advisable to consult with a lawyer, therapist, or counselor before considering this step. Questions To Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse How did you allow yourself to cheat? The question of "How did you cheat?" relates to their decision-making process, that is, the circumstances that allowed your spouse to betray your relationship. It can be an uncomfortable question for some people, but it can provide insights into their thought process, which could help you make sense of what happened. Did you feel guilty? This question relates to their values and how your spouse's behavior conflicted with them. It can also help you understand what kept them from acting on their desire to cheat. If they did not feel guilty, it might speak to the strength of your relationship or lack thereof. How often did you meet with this person? The question of "how often" can provide you with a general idea of the amount of contact your spouse had with the other person. It does not give you precise detail, but if they answer that they only saw this person once or twice, it would be alarming because it would indicate there was not much to the relationship except perhaps sexual attraction. When did it start? The question of "when" relates to motivation and timeline. Suppose the affair happened shortly after your wedding anniversary, for example. In that case, it could have been triggered by an event in your marriage rather than by a specific desire to cheat on you. The question may also reveal when your spouse became dissatisfied enough with your relationship to consider cheating on you. What did you like about this person? Questions about "what" can help you understand what qualities and traits your spouse was drawn to in the other person. They may also reveal which of their needs were not being met in your marriage and how they responded to that need. For example, it is possible that an emotional affair with someone who listened more than their spouse could be a cry for validation or reassurance. These qualities can help you understand why it happened and make good use of the information when deciding whether or not to reconcile. How did your relationship end? The question of "how" relates to motivation and timeline. If there was no specific catalyst but rather a series of small events that led up to the decision, then it may be that issues in your relationship were always present, and you may not know what to point at as the reason for their decision to cheat. On the other hand, if they indicate a specific incident or event, such as arguing with you, it could give clues as to why they cheated on you. How much did your spouse know about your affair? The question of "how much" can help you understand the depth of their involvement and whether or not this person tried to conceal their actions from them. If your spouse knew very little, it could reveal that the other person didn't want them involved, which makes it possible that he/she resented you and wanted to harm your marriage. If your spouse did not know, it might indicate that the other person kept their affair discreet and separate from their lives together. Did you plan to cheat? You could ask your spouse if he or she still would have cheated on you even if your circumstances had been different. If there was no specific plan to betray you, someone who still would have cheated with or without a pre-determined schedule might have put little value on the marriage. On the other hand, someone who wouldn't have committed adultery unless it was planned might be more likely to cheat again in the future. Is this person still in your life now? The question of "is" can help you understand how close they remain with this person and whether or not that relationship has changed since the betrayal occurred. Their affair can end, but they can continue seeing one another because they are friends outside of an intimate context, which could indicate that they were tempted by an emotional connection more than a physical one. Conversely, the question of "is" can also reveal how close they remain with this person because they want to continue their relationship on that level. How often do you meet or talk? The question of "how often" can provide you with a general idea of the amount of contact your spouse had with the other person. It does not give you precise detail, but if they answer that they only saw this person once or twice, it would be alarming because it would indicate there was not much to the relationship except perhaps sexual attraction. Did you ever love this person? The question of "do you love" can help you understand if your spouse had feelings for the other person and why those feelings developed. It's possible for someone to feel a level of intimacy and connection with another person even if it is not what they expect from their spouse. If your spouse says that they did not love this person then it could indicate that any relationship beyond friendship was one-sided and perhaps unrequited. Would you ever want them as part of our family? This question can reveal how committed they are to reestablishing trust in your marriage. If your spouse indicates that he or she would be unwilling to have this person around because of jealousy, chances are they still have strong feelings about being intimate with this person, and you should be concerned. On the other hand, if your spouse is willing to accept a relationship between this person and your children, it could indicate that he or she has been able to separate from their affair. Did you think about me? The question of "did you think" can help you understand how much your spouse cared about what they were doing. Someone can be unfaithful because they felt ignored by their partner, so if this person thought about you while he or she was cheating, it could indicate that they did not want to hurt you even though they acted in a way that did just that. Do you regret what happened? The question of "do you regret" can reveal some important things about the affair and your current relationship with your spouse. If your spouse feels deep remorse for having betrayed you, then it could indicate that they recognize the gravity of their actions and want to rebuild trust by being completely honest with you going forward. On the other hand, regret could also indicate a spouse who feels guilty and is trying to make you feel better for what they did. How do you think I would react if I found out? This question can give you an idea of how your spouse might have justified their actions because it reveals what they thought you would respond like when confronted with infidelity. If your spouse says that they were afraid that you would not forgive them, it could indicate that they did not consider your feelings when planning this betrayal. This does not necessarily mean that there was no love involved, but it does reveal that this person felt entitled to carry on an affair without concern for its effect on your long-term happiness together. When did you stop feeling bad about it? The question of "when" can reveal a lot about how your spouse handled the affair. It provides a timeline of how long this was going on and what stage they reached in accepting what they were doing. If your spouse slept with someone else but felt guilty afterwards, it could indicate that their feelings for this person were superficial and unlikely to have been anything more than lust. A spouse who began sleeping with another individual but started enjoying it after a time might have been seeking some sort of affection that he or she wasn't getting from you, which is why the behavior continued. Did you ever talk about me? This question can reveal a lot about how your spouse felt about you back then and now. Suppose your spouse never mentioned you during the affair. In that case, it could indicate that he or she was able to compartmentalize what they were doing from their feelings for you, but this doesn't mean that the infidelity didn't still hurt as much as if they had been talking about you. If your spouse did mention you in conversation with this person, it could indicate strong feelings for both people, which makes sense if this is someone who became entangled in an emotional affair. What is it that they have and I lack? The question of "what" can provide an essential insight into how your spouse thinks about you. Suppose your spouse cannot give you a clear idea of what this other individual had that they liked. In that case, it could indicate that the relationship was primarily physical because there does not seem to be much else tying them together. Another explanation for this lack of detail might be that the other person provided something vital that you could not do, so if your spouse mentions affection or care, it should raise some red flags for you. Do you think we would still have problems if I hadn't caught you? This question can reveal quite a bit about how willing your spouse is to work on this marriage after an affair because if he or she believes that you were to blame for the problems then it is unlikely that he or she will be invested in strengthening your bond as a result of such a betrayal. If your spouse believes that there was nothing wrong with the marriage before and only made mistakes afterwards, then that might indicate some level of regret for what happened. Still, it also means they could carry on doing this again if they feel like another person better matches their needs. How did you think I would react if I found out? The question of "how" can reveal quite a bit about how your spouse feels about you now because an important part of accepting responsibility includes feeling bad about hurting someone else even if you believed what you did at the time was necessary, healthy, or even good. If your spouse believed that he or she would be supported and forgiven for this betrayal, then it might indicate a lack of concern for your feelings during the affair because there was no fear of repercussion. If your spouse worried about what you might think but still didn't want to end it, then there is a chance that the person loved you and felt entitled to pursue other people. What will happen if we don't work things out? This question can help you understand how important the marriage is to your spouse by revealing whether they believe this affair could have been justifiable or not. Suppose your spouse feels like this was just an isolated mistake instead of repeatedly done over time. In that case, they are more likely to feel pessimistic about the relationship moving forward, particularly if you find it difficult to trust them again after they cheated. If your spouse is willing to file for divorce or even walk away if things do not improve, then he or she may no longer care about what you think of this infidelity, which makes future cheating far more likely. What do you wish people knew about our marriage before the affair? This question can point out some potential problems with your relationship that neither one of you has addressed. This person might be aware of certain flaws in the marriage that contributed to their unhappiness and used this other person to escape those issues instead of addressing them directly because it was easier than confronting someone who might become angry with them. If your spouse feels like there were no problems in the marriage and this affair was something that "just happened" out of randomness then it might indicate a lack of understanding as to why he or she felt entitled to pursue someone else, which means these feelings could come up again in future. Are you still having sex with them? The question of "are" can help you assess how likely it is for them to return to an affair in the future. If they would not have had sex with this person, it could reveal some feelings present but not enough for physical intimacy. Suppose they are currently engaging in sexual activities with this person. In that case, there may still be unresolved feelings on both sides of the situation, which makes it more likely that they might follow through on temptation again. Did you plan a future with them? This question can reveal a lot about your spouse's views on the sanctity of marriage because if he or she did believe in spending their life with someone else, it might indicate that they were seeking out more of an escape than they expected. Alternatively, this person might not have known what to do with their feelings and instead convinced themselves that this infidelity was worth pursuing for no particular reason, which means these desires could resurface again in the future even if you can get past your anger regarding this betrayal. What to Do If He or She Refuses to Answer Questions If the person you are asking these questions to is your spouse, it can be difficult to press them for more information, especially if they start to get defensive about what happened. If he or she refuses to answer these questions, you might not find out much about how that individual feels about you after this infidelity. Still, it also means that this person knows full well that their silence will hurt your feelings, which means they still care at least a little bit. Sometimes it is better not to know everything as long as there is some understanding between both spouses because that makes future trust easier to rebuild together. How to Get the Trust Back After Infidelity Forgiveness is the first step to getting past this betrayal and rebuilding trust, but it can also be helpful if your spouse understands why you are hurting. After all, if their actions were not significant enough to cause significant problems between you, you should feel free to move on without taking offense because there was no malice involved. If these questions make you uncomfortable, take some time apart or ask a trusted friend or relative for advice about whether or not it is worth continuing the conversation before moving forward as a couple again. Frequently Asked Questions How do you overcome an unfaithful spouse? There are many different ways to rebuild trust after an unfaithful spouse, but you both need to communicate your needs and desires so that things do not worsen with time. Having the conversation about what happened can be difficult or uncomfortable initially, but making progress in this direction means that you both will feel more secure moving forward. Is it true once a cheater, always a cheater? People who believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" assume that if someone cheated on you, they would do it again no matter how much this person claims to regret their actions and wants you back. The truth is that people can change their ways with time and willingness to adapt, but it starts with the person realizing what went wrong in the relationship and what they need to do differently for you both to move forward. What questions should I ask my unfaithful spouse? There are many different ways to approach this conversation depending on how much your spouse is willing to reveal about his or her perspective. Still, if you want a better understanding of someone who cheated on you, you should be willing to ask these questions without flinching. People who are not ready to open up about their feelings might retreat into themselves while this conversation continues. Still, if they know that you are willing to listen even if it makes them uncomfortable, they will realize that your bond is still strong enough for you to make progress together. How can I tell if my spouse is cheating? It is hard to say whether or not someone else your spouse might be cheating with, especially if you are not close with anyone he or she spends time with regularly or goes out of town without you, but some signs do suggest infidelity. If your spouse is spending more time away from home without telling you where he or she is going or with whom, then there is a chance that your relationship could be in jeopardy. However, even if this is not the case, it is better to ask questions now instead of letting things go until they escalate. What are some signs your husband might be gay? The short answer to this question is that it is hard to say definitively without specifically more information about your husband. Still, if he is spending an unusual amount of time with his friends or doing things you are not accustomed to seeing him do, then there is a chance your marriage might be in danger. Even if all signs point towards infidelity instead of a same-sex relationship, it is crucial to speak up and address this possibility before things escalate. Conclusion While it might be tempting to give up on a relationship that has reached this point, remember that you still love your spouse and might want to continue making this bond stronger in the future. Use these questions to help you understand what happened without flinching, even though the truth might be hard to swallow at first. Take some time apart if necessary, but remember that your spouse can show you how much they regret their actions and still love you despite what happened in the past.